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How would you best like your parental guilt served?
Shout out to the working mums!!! I mean working parents and caregivers, my bad.
First of all let me just say you don't need to have birthed someone to have a parental bond and responsibility. Whatever your title, welcome to Team Guilt.
How would you best like that guilt served? On today's menu we have two options. You can work full time, so that food is on the table and you can afford to splash out on luxuries here or there, but your heart cries when you know your kids spend more time with carers instead of you or are latch key kids.
OR you can be a part time / stay at home parent that counts pennies, that can’t gift them all the things you wish you could financially, but has the gift of seeing the faces of your little ones daily.
Two great options huh? Didn't you know there are no winners here?! The guilt of working consumes you when you're in the working realm, and the guilt of being homebound consumes you because you feel like you are missing out.
Stiletto Staircase would never end a story here. Not bleak, miserable and defeatist… no way. I've sat in both camps. I'm one of the few lucky ones that has guilt in my blood line, being brought up in a Cathoilic and Jewish household, I know all forms of guilt. If there was a queen of guilt, I could possibly get the title. But in all seriousness, guilt is an emotion I could do without, and would love for you not to feel the burden of it. So let's break it down. We're also serving wine and chocolate on tonight's menu, feel free to self soothe on either or both, during this read.
When I worked in corporate, I recall vividly my last hospital appointment, prior to the birth of my third child. I was all dressed up and had an 8am hospital appointment, followed quickly by a very important board meeting, to which I was to present a pitch worth millions to new clients. Of course, on that particular day, my son didn't want to go to daycare! Picture me, I'm 8 months pregnant with a 1 year old on my hip and dragging a screaming 3 year old across a car park, with backpacks and jackets flying in the rain as I threw my kids at daycare staff as they opened the door after hearing the commotion. Then I cried all the way to the hospital. Held my stuff together, while dealing with the bitchy nurse. Then cried all the way into the office. I cried at my assistant that I just didn't want to be here. I wanted to be home with my babies. But I did my presentation and smashed it.
Flip this situation. Two years later, I'm a stay at home parent, with a budding business that I love, but doesn't bring in enough revenue to put food on the table. Centrelink feeds us. Am I embarrassed by that? Yep, you bet your bottom dollar. And it's not all roses just because I get the gift of seeing my kids daily. The truth behind the gorgeous book week photo taken below is that I live in a house that is a mess, I've got a chest infection because I’m run down, I'm hobbling due to a back injury, and I am grieving the loss of a beautiful girlfriend that just lost her battle with cancer. When I had kids, I gave up a high paying high profile corporate job that allowed me the luxuries of a cleaner, a nanny, fancy holidays, and even new book week costumes.
Those days are no longer.
None of that matters however, when now I have the gift of time. Now, when my kids ask 'mum can you come watch me at school in my parade?’ I can say yes. So, I go along with my disheveled hair, with teary eyes, and watch them in their hand me down costumes, smiling, because mummy was there watching them, supporting them.
As a parent, I try my hardest to shield them from the complexities of adult life. When I worked in corporate, they would complain that I was always on my phone working. Now that I'm home, they complain because our house is smaller than our old one, and I don't take them to kmart for toys often enough anymore.
There are no winners in the sense of having it all at the same time. But I do firmly believe we can have it all. Maybe, we have to compromise to have it compartmentalised? That's the only way I, personally, can control my guilt.
Because I am very aware that not everyone is as fortunate to be in the same position as me. And even though I'm not proud that at the moment I need to rely on centrelink to help pay bills, while I'm still getting on my feet, I am so appreciative that I get to follow my heart and share moments like these with my children.
It's about following your heart and your paycheck to do what's right for you and your family, today. And it may change over time and that's okay. What was right for me at that time I did, and what's right for my little family today I do today. If you need permission to cut yourself some slack, then let me give it to you - you are doing your best and your best is amazing. Whatever way you tackle bills and kids, it's a juggle, but your way is the best for you so keep going! You've got this. We've got this.